It is raining. Outside and inside. Outside it is water, but inside it is emotions, emptiness and unanswered questions that is raining heavily. And it often happens to me, but somehow I never write about it. Probably the story that goes inside is difficult to trap and portray in words. So I did never try. But today is another day and let tonight be a good night for my literary genius, that has just peeped out of the cocoon it had encrusted itself into. Long back in a conference some famous author had said "there is no writer's block that exist in reality." I had believed her and I still do. But now I know it does not hold good for all and now I also know what a writer's block is. And it is nothing but lack of encouragement. When you find that you are actually moving away from your dream, when you understand that you have thrusted on yourself too much work that hardly interest you and when you realise that passing days are not adding on to your experience as a human being, you do entire into a noncreative oblivion, which may be termed as "writer's block."
When I was a kid, I used to think that life is a movie and I was the heroine. But as candles got added to my birthday cake each year, I understood how ordinary a life I was living. I appreciated the fact that I was not exploring the world around me and I was not even exploring my deep seated aspirations. Unfortunately I never had the guts to be a rebel and break the cliches. I never could break out of the societal analogies of success, goodness etc. So quite unaware of what I wanted from myself, I became a chemical engineer. And with the kind of academic brains I was born with, I survived and emerged victorious. I even got a good job. But was I mentally prepared to be chemical engineer throughout my life? Was that all my heart was beating for? Those are the unanswered questions that rang and still rings in my mind.
I loved to dance, I loved act in plays. Today nobody will believe that I had done great kathak steps for a dance show without a formal training in the dance form. Confidence of execution reduces with reduction of practice,until it vanishes, as it has for me today. Now I cannot take to stage and do dance moves as I once did. For acting, I am still good at it and am comfortable in my skin on the stage. Blogging came to me few years back, but I knew I couldn't make a career out of it, because I write for myself, forced topics never excite me and hence I am kind of nonsalable. I couldn't be a slave to consumerism. But my aspiration to become a novelist increased with every passing day. With no knowledge of how the publishing business goes I plunged into writing my first novel. Slowly realising that without any godfather or without any connection it was tough to reach out to any publishing house, leave alone the famous ones. During the course of time, which is still on, I came in contact with one famous literary agent too. I would not name her, but she stained my thoughts on the distinction between creativity and money making.
Anyways my search for a publisher is on...and I don't know if it will ever end. But I am glad that I have not quit yet and I will never do. I will keep writing, whenever discouraging remarks and attitudes around fail to push me to oblivion..I will continue and continue and continue. With all my unanswered questions, with all my gauging of myself I continue to seek excellence in whatever I undertake. I am a chemical engineer, intoxicated at the thought of creativity. I am a traveler in my mind, both literally and metaphorically.
let the world be liberated of all preconceived notions!!
Before being human, be yourself!!
Do you face similar problems with yourself? Do you have unanswered queries bombarding your mind? I guess all creative people go through this...write about it.
Aritra Chakrabarty Sengupta
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